You gotta have blue hair...

This has been a bit of a interesting week. Why does real life have to be such a struggle? Am I the one who makes it be such a struggle? Am I holding onto things that are holding me back, or making me a worse person? This is a problem with my memory the way it is, I don't forget little things. I dwell on moments in the past, on friends I might have scorned or on interactions that did not go as planned. I linger, hovering over my past trying to figure out how this old worn out puzzle piece fits into my current life model. This week has thrown a few new worn out puzzle pieces into my life, as well as bringing up some old ones that I have been keeping for a rainy day, when I might try to find the puzzle they belong to. I am currently taking a college course that I could probably test out of. I am taking it because it was a requirement for more advanced classes. But this teacher, she strikes a nerve with me. She cuts me to the core and brings out a darkness inside me that has been buried for some time. Her treatment of students is condemable, and vile. And her ability to teach is completely non existant. At first, I thought I would just not learn anything from her, but now I am torn between my contempt of her and the desire the kinder part of me has towards the other students that are going to suffer under her tutilage. This last class made it apparent that she will not only, not teach me anything, but will actually teach incorrect information. I know enough to know that its incorrect, but my fellow students are relying on her to learn the basics of this course. I struggle with the desire to pull back the curtain and reveal her as the fraud that she is, but know that lash back and the chaos that such an action would bring. But her attitude reminds me of my first grade teacher, a woman who I have nothing but bitterness towards. And now that I am older, I feel some how filthy, complicit, if I do not speak up...

Additionally, I grow tired of my current employer. They arent so bad as to be called evil, or even bad. The job is not challenging. But they are cheap. They flaunt their cheapness, wear it on their sleeve. They want more work from me and my team, but do not want to increase the amount they pay us. I have begun a process of selectively looking for new employment, but I am being too selective I think, and so far this tree is bare of fruit. I don't know where to go to expand my horizons. I am hesitant to apply for artist jobs out of fear of rejection, but that is what I want to do. I would rather be doing what I love for the rest of my life. But at the same time, I really need a well paying possition, and my job experiences are limited to niche markets. Additionally, everyone wants a degree. How, can you expect people to have both a degree and years of work experience. Where are the ideas of hard work, determination to provide excellence, and raw talent still valued above raw data points?

Lastly, my weekend is books with some events with old friends, but I struggle with whether we are truely still friends or not. Many of them activily distance themselves from me. Other, walk a line of friend or aquantence. I want so very much to go back to what we once had. I want very much to know what I might have done to drive them away. And seeing them makes it much more difficult. They smile, they act as if nothing has changed between us, but we both know the truth. The only difference is they got to see the whole puzzle before they destroyed the peices. Now I am just left with remnants and holes. I am left to wonder and try to figure out what was meant to fit into the awkward space. The facade that they put up hurts me more than they know. I would rather know what has been done, to know if this is salvageable, or not. I would rather know if they are also in as much termoil as I am over this. Perhaps it would console me to know that they are, but I fear greater pain if they are not. But still I would rather know. Now many of you are probably looking at this as self pitty or just overwhelming depression. No, I just needed to get my thoughts out of my head. Putting them down seems to help me realign, organize them and take stock of what I have. It also allows me to take stock of the good that has come recently. I have recently made an amazing friend, who matches my personality almost identically. I have gained a roommate that is also complementary to my personality. I have been given great gifts and talents. I have not suffered physically as I did as a child. My life is so much better than it once was. Now what I need to do is look towards the horizon. Look towards what lays ahead, pick the path I wish to walk and begin taking steps. Why does real life have to be such a stuggle? Is that struggle just my imagination? How about I just stop holding onto all these garbage puzzle pieces and just start assembling a newer, better puzzle?


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